Edgar, the Alien
by TheCrownprincessBride
Summary: Edgar, the doll that James has brought to Hogwarts, is *not* an alien, whatever James might say. It's just a stupid prank, Rose is sure of it. Because there *are* no aliens. Right? AU.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the following products.**

 **A/N: This story is full of '90s stuff. Virtual cookies to everyone who finds the references to: Garfield, Barbie, MC Hammer - "U Can't Touch This"; Goo Goo Dolls - "Iris" , Nirvana, Titanic, Forrest Gump, Braveheart, Silence of the Lambs, Saving Private Ryan, Mission Impossible, Men in Black, The Sixth Sense, Toy Story, and last but not least, Pulp Fiction.**  
(To make it easier for you and to avoid any confusion for the judges, I italicised the movie quotes.)

 **I hope you'll enjoy this crazy, little short story! Don't forget to leave a review. :)**

* * *

 _Edgar, the Alien_

* * *

The Hogwarts Express whistled and, with a jolt, started moving out of King's Cross Station. As soon as the waving shadows of their parents, half-hidden by steam, had disappeared, the Potter and Weasley children settled back into their seats and got comfortable for the long journey ahead of them.

Normally, James joined his friends as soon as he stepped inside the train, but this time he stayed in the compartment his brother and cousin shared with their friends.

James had a plan. A plan for a spectacular prank that had the potential to be ranked as best in Hogwarts' history, to even surpass Fred's and George's pranks.

While visiting his grandparents at the Burrow, he had snooped around in the garden shed, which had turned out to be not a shed at all but a secret hideout for a hotchpotch of Muggle artifacts. His grandpa had collected whole boxes of screws, batteries, glass cups with pictures of a fat orange cat, strange plastic rectangles called _Game Boy_ , female plastic dolls with blonde hair (if Lily were to find them, she'd freak out), strange-looking sunglasses, shoes with little wheels on them (unfortunately, none of them fit James), something called a _Walkman_ , gel pens, and about fifty cards with magical creatures on them, which were apparently known as _Pokémon_.

In one of these boxes, James had found a strange object. A little figure of a man – or a pixie? A dwarf? A troll? James wasn't sure what it was supposed to be, but it would work with his plans. If his prank was going to work, he needed something that was just the right amount of foreign and absurd. Something that raised more questions than it answered.

The ugly plastic doll with blue furry up-combed hair was just perfect.

The train was just leaving London when James leaned forward and called the attention of the other occupants of the compartment, "So guys, I have an idea for the most ingenious prank ever. But I'd need your help. Are you on board?"

He knew he could blackmail Albus into helping him, and if Albus was in, Scorpius would be joining, too. The only question mark was Rose and her friend Emma. So he turned to them, smiling with all the boyish charm he could manage, and added, "It's gonna be fun, I promise."

"Your idea of fun, James, very often doesn't correlate with _my_ idea of fun," Rose retorted.

"Sh, I want to hear what it is about. Has it something to do with the stupid doll you tried to hide from me?" Albus asked.

"Actually, yes." James opened his backpack and pulled the troll doll out of its depths. "This is _Edgar_."

"Edgar?" Rose echoed sceptically.

James ignored her. "He's an alien."

Emma gasped and a smirk appeared on James' face. Rose elbowed her friend. "Not a _real_ one, of course."

"How would you know?" Scorpius said, eyeing the little plastic figure with suspicion. Naturally, he'd never seen a Muggle toy before.

"I just know," Rose replied with an air of arrogance. She and Scorpius didn't really get along.

" _1, 500 years ago, everybody_ knew _that the earth was the centre of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody_ knew _that the earth was flat._ And now, you think you _know_ that humans are alone on this planet." James tilted his head. "What if they aren't?"

Rose opened her mouth and closed it again, looking a little bit like a goldfish.

"He's just messing with you guys," Albus said calmly. "I saw him coming back with the doll when we were visiting Grandpa and Grandma. He must've found it somewhere."

"You're sure you're not a Ravenclaw, bro?" James asked, with a hint of annoyance in his voice because Albus had called his bluff.

His brother shrugged. "It doesn't take a Ravenclaw to put two and two together."

"Fine," James surrendered. "He's right. It's just a doll." A mischievous gleam appeared in his eyes. "But, for a second, you believed me, didn't you?"

Emma and Scorpius nodded, while Rose crossed her arms defensively in front of her chest. "No, we didn't," she drawled, but a traitorous blush had snuck on her face.

"Is this your great plan, James? Convince the school that you've discovered an alien?" Albus said, unconvinced of the idea.

" _Relax Al, it's much worse than you think._ " James drew his wand. "We are going to charm this little guy, so that he can move and talk. That's where I need your help. I've already conducted some research – Uncle George was a great help – and found some spells that would make him move for a short period of time. Speaking, however, is much more difficult." His eyes found Rose's. "Your mum is really good at transfiguration. Can you ask Aunt Hermione how to theoretically make a doll talk? And if not her, Professor McGonagall–"

"Are you quite mad?" Rose snapped. "Do you think I'd ever lower myself to such a childish prank and compromise my chances of becoming a prefect?"

"But Rosie–"

"Don't _'Rosie'_ me, James!" she began, which probably would have been followed by a colourful collection of swear words, if the compartment door hadn't opened. Two second year Slytherins and a Ravenclaw stuck their heads around the door. James fortunately had the presence of mind to hide the doll under his jumper.

"Doing magic, aren't you?" one of them asked, nodding at James' wand.

Albus beside him stiffened, and James gaze shifted from him to the intruders and back. Something was in the air. He knew that his younger brother wasn't really popular, unlike himself, but he'd always thought Albus preferred it that way. He was quiet, calm, introverted – just the opposite of James, really.

"Better not ask the Slytherin Squib to do it, eh?" the Ravenclaw laughed and patted the boy next to him on the back, as if he'd made a great joke.

James frowned. "Slytherin Squib?"

"He means me," Albus whispered. He didn't even look angry, just defeated. Something inside James twisted, but before he could react, Scorpius spoke up.

"Leave him alone, Nott!" He leapt to his feet, his fists clenched as if ready to fight.

"Since when do Malfoys associate with Squibs and halfbloods?" asked the one Scorpius had called Nott.

Scorpius lifted one eyebrow, suddenly the perfect picture of cold arrogance. "Since our family was nearly extinguished by a madman who believed purebloods were better than others."

Shock crossed Nott's features, but he caught himself quickly. "And yet, the son of the wizard who defeated Voldemort can't even perform a simple levitation charm," he sneered.

"Yeah, are you sure you're a Potter?" the other Slytherin asked. "Someone must've swapped you as baby."

"And the Sorting Hat must've drunk too much when he sorted you into Slytherin," the Ravenclaw added.

" _Furnunculus_!"

" _Langlock_!"

" _Tarantallegra_!"

Three different jinxes hit the trio at the door, cast by Scorpius, Rose, and James. Instantly, they ducked and tried to jump out of the way, but Scorpius' Pimple Jinx had hit home and Nott was clutching his face as they ran away.

"And don't come back!" Rose yelled after them.

"You shouldn't have done that," Albus said softly. "I can handle them. I don't need you to protect me."

James glared at him. Nobody bullied his younger brother other than himself. " _Well, there's this passage I've got memorised that sort of fits this occasion. Ezekiel 25:17. 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of the evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and goodwill, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!'_ " The passage he'd just quoted was from a movie he'd watched late one night while staying at Teddy's. He'd been so impressed by the scene that he had memorised it.

"Are you – you know – a bit mad?" Albus asked, frowning, but James just smiled, self-satisfied.

Rose, too, looked smug. "I reconsidered. I'm in," she said, turning to James. "The only condition is that Nott, Flint, and Lockhart are the first we target."

"Deal," James replied instantly, offering her his hand for a high five. And to his surprise, she returned the gesture. "I didn't think you'd change your mind."

" _Life's like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get_ ," she said offhandedly.

"I think he doesn't look alien enough," Emma suddenly piped up. She'd stayed quiet up until now, and James had almost forgotten her. She held the troll in her hand and waved her wand over it. All of a sudden, the figure was covered over and over in multicoloured glitter.

"No!" James roared, ripping the troll doll out of her hands. "You _FUBAR'd_ it!"

Emma stepped back, looking hurt. "There no such thing as too much glitter if it comes to aliens."

The toy looked ridiculous now – and not at all like an extraterrestrial – in James' eyes, and he frantically waved his wand over it, but only succeeded in spreading the glitter all over himself. "Argh," he hissed in frustration.

"Let me do it," Rose said. " _Scourgify_."

A loud _boom_ echoed through the compartment. The glitter had sort of imploded, but instead of vanishing, had spread itself all across the compartment and its inhabitants.

"That worked well," Scorpius deadpanned, his blond hair barely visible under purple glitter.

"We'll just say Edgar attacked us and we managed to catch him," suggested Albus. "Wait – is it even a Him?"

"And now I know why you haven't been sorted into Ravenclaw," James snarled, furiously wiping around in his face. "An alien attacking people with glitter. How _terrifying_!"

Emma giggled and he threw her a dark look. "Make the glitter go away or I swear–"

The Gryffindor waved her wand in a circle and a moment later, the glitter was gone.

"Thank Merlin," James sighed, sitting back down and indicating the others to do the same. "Now, pay attention to me. I'll tell you what we're going to do."

* * *

 _A week later_

"I think I've perfected the spell," Rose announced.

Excited, James looked up from the Transfiguration textbook he was reading. "Show me!"

"What do you want him to say?"

"I don't know. Something scary."

Rose shrugged, tapped the troll doll with her wand, and murmured something that James didn't understand. Suddenly, Edgar opened his mouth and said in a deep voice, " _A pureblood once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti_."

James swallowed. "Er, good." He had wanted scary, he'd gotten scary! "What else can he say?"

The deep voice resounded through the deserted bathroom, "I'll conquer your meaningless little planet. Then, _I'll be the king of the world_." James had the uncomfortable feeling that Edgar was looking right at him. "You think you can fight me? _You may take away my life, but you'll never take my freedom!_ "

"Um, Rose." Scorpius behind him cleared his throat. "Where did he learn this?"

Rose shrugged. "I don't know. Yesterday, all he said was 'You can't touch this' and _'I see dead people'_."

"Don't forget he called you 'Iris'," Emma added.

Rose looked at the doll thoughtfully. "Strange."

Suddenly, the hairs in James' neck stood on end. "What?"

"How long does your movement charm hold?"

"A few minutes. Why?" James asked.

"Ugh, nevermind." She waved her hand through the air. "Just – I could swear Edgar just blinked," she replied.

James tensed. Slowly, everyone looked at the doll on the floor. From one moment to the other, it was eerily quiet and the atmosphere had changed into something sinister. James felt adrenaline pour into his veins. Toys didn't move on their own!

"Rubbish, Rose. Edgar's just a doll," he said, feigning carelessness.

Then, as if to contradict him, Edgar _did_ blink. Emma squealed, jumping to her feet. But James couldn't move. He stared at the troll as if he was bewitched. He couldn't believe his eyes.

"That… that…" Rose spluttered.

"Optic illusion," Scorpius whispered.

But _then_ , Edgar blinked again, his plastic eyelid closing and opening deliberately slowly.

A blood-curdling scream escaped Rose's lips. They were on their feet and out of the bathroom in seconds, sprinting down the hallways without stopping. Behind them, it seemed they could hear Edgar's voice.

 _He was coming for them!_

* * *

 _*Written for the QLFC, Season 6, Round Three.* Tutshill Tornados vs. Wigtown Wanderers_

 **Position: Chaser 3**

 **Position Prompt: Troll Doll**

 **Optional Prompts:** **(dialogue) "Pay attention to me." , (object) glitter, (genre) Humour**

 **Title: Edgar, the Alien**

 **Word Count: 2, 105**

 **Betas: Aya Diefair, DinoDina**


End file.
